Shirdi Sai Prayers From Anonymous Sai Devotee from USA: Shirdi Sai Baba I always just feel so repressive. Please give me guidance. I am a college freshman who lives in South Dakota America, who first met Sai Baba in 7th grade. I felt this beauty, this power, this connection to Him. One day my American social studies teacher had an idol and she thought were Confucius and she put it in her desk. However when I looked closer it was Sai Baba so I was astounded at the coincidence. I had just started worshiping Sai Baba and here He had come to me in an American social studies class. However I had OCD and anxiety in me and I started going deeper into religions like the hare Krishna’s and ISKCON just to feel a “bliss high” and feel better. Over time it all collapsed with me repressing myself and having so much guilt, pain, anxiety and my sleep and other body functions became blocked. It was horrible and Sai Baba turned into this empty nightmare. Then when I was 16 I found the Atma in myself, Infinite, Sat-chit-Ananda, blissful and began to heal. However my ocd turned Sai Baba into a repressive nightmare. He has just turned into this negative repressive nightmare. Please offer Your support.
When I had searched throughout different religions, but I eventually had found a beautiful guide in Sai Baba of Shirdi. During that social studies class that time though I was only going into spirituality and religion because I felt that the world was a scary place and it felt good to have some spiritual idol. it wasn’t genuine though, I was just scared of the world. So over time my anxious, OCD, intrusive thought mind makes a complete nightmare out of spirituality as it forces me to repress myself and I have all these unwanted thoughts and images that are a part of OCD. One day it literally completely blocked my ability to sleep completely, this was during 8th grade and Sai Baba just became this empty weird nightmare. Everything about Him felt so empty and negative. Eventually high school started and it begin to block my other body functions like stopping and it was freshman year that I started to learn the Vedanta philosophy with the Atman, the Infinite, and Ramakrishna and Vivekananda. I felt something in me when I heard their sayings on The Atman, so you have now my body functions like sleeping and shitting blocked by my mind and eventually I kind of do what Ramana Maharshi did at 16. I penetrate deep into my sense of “I” and I feel it in my heart. It feels blissful, infinite and indestructible. And as I touch it, it was amazing, all my problems like the sleeping and bowel-movement blocks that my mind had caused with all the anxiety and repression, literally faded away. Its like when I touched the self, my mind and body would feel this inner “wholeness”, “inner peace”, this “Infinite power” inside. It was amazing and I let go of my small self into this Universal Self. But then all of a sudden when it looks like I can finally live in the Immortal Self in blissfullness, strength, freedom, power, union forever. All of a sudden my over obsessive mind begins to think of Sai Baba, like it turns into this “never-enough” obsession out of Him, like “what do you see him as now” and “Is He your Guru” the whole thing is just so repressive, over obsessive and negative and its horrible.
Although I am not as bothered because I know that if I can feel The Self in the Heart again, it will fade away by itself. But this negative Sai Baba obsessions is so frustrating, can you give me some advice or keep in contact with me. Please it would be nice if I could have your support and contact please, my mind makes an overobsessive, negative, repressive, “never-enough” nightmare out of Sai Baba, like I am never enough in how I accept Him or what I do? Its horrible, blocks me from finding any wholeness or peace in myself, blocks me from the Infinite and Indestructible Self. I recently got diagnosed with OCD, so I am taking medication for it and hopefully helps calm me down and I can feel the Self sometimes. But my main problem is this that Sai Baba obsession, where everything becomes this “never-enough” obsession, so awful and repressive and negative. It turns Shirdi Sai Baba into a monster. Everyone mostly feels this loving presence with Him, but he just feels so negative and repressive to me. if I could be free from Him, I can finally rest in my inner Atma, in Sat-Chit-Ananda. Please offer me your contact and support. SOS